Someone Else's Baby or Mine?

"You're here, but you're not actually here."

It's the most devastating sentence a partner can deliver.

And when my wife says it, I know she's right.

I'm sitting on the couch. My toddler is showing me something. The phone is in my hand.

Not for any urgent reason. Just there. Scrolling. Reflex.

The Automatic Defense

When she calls me out, my brain goes straight to defense mode.

"Yeah, but you also..."

"I'm just checking one thing..."

It's automatic. And it sucks. Because I know she's right.

I don't even have a purpose for being on the phone most of the time. I just pick it up. Scroll. Reflex.

The Guilt

Here's what I don't say out loud:

I feel like I'm failing. As a parent. As a husband.

My kid is right there wanting connection. Real connection. Not my divided attention while I'm half-reading a Slack thread.

And I know this. I know I'm choosing wrong. I know I'm spending time on useless shit instead of quality time with them.

And I still do it.

That's the part that eats at me. It's not that I don't know better. It's that I know better and I still pick up the phone.

The Irony That Makes It Worse

Years ago I worked for a 3D metal printing company. The tech was incredible. Really cool stuff.

But I didn't care about it.

I didn't use the product. Didn't know the customers. Didn't understand what they were trying to solve.

So I did my job and went home. Clean boundaries. No phone at dinner. No thinking about work on weekends.

Now I work for daily.dev. And I'm one of the customers. I use the product every day. I understand what we're solving.

And that makes everything harder.

Because I actually care. I see an issue and want to fix it. A notification comes through and it feels important.

The company I didn't believe in? Better boundaries.

The one I do believe in? Taking over my life.

When you care about the work, it's easier to justify why you're on your phone instead of playing with your kid.

The Low-Grade Addiction

My wife kept saying it. "You're here but you're not here."

And I kept doing the automatic thing. Pick up phone. Scroll. No purpose.

It's addiction. Just low-grade.

Same pattern I had with TV. I was watching too much. Made a mental switch: read books instead. It worked.

So recently I tried the same thing with the phone. iPhone has this feature called Downtime where you can lock all apps after a certain time.

I enabled it after work hours. Creates a barrier between the impulse and the action.

It's... kind of working. Still figuring it out.

But the fact that I need software to stop myself from checking my phone while my kid is talking to me?

Yeah.

There's a whole movement of people buying physical lock boxes with timers. You put your phone in, set it for hours, can't access it until the timer ends.

Others are switching to "dumbphones" - just calls and texts, no apps, black and white screens. Making the phone boring on purpose.

We need physical barriers to stop ourselves from checking our phones.

The Comparison I Do

"At least I work from home so I'm around."

"At least I'm not working 80 hours a week."

"At least I'm keeping a pulse on Slack. If a blocker comes up, my team needs me to be the tie-breaker."

Justification. Comparing myself to worse examples so I feel okay about being half-present.

But here's the real comparison: I give my best, focused, problem-solving attention to my team and the codebase. And my family gets my distracted, leftover attention.

My kid doesn't care about other managers. They just want me. Actually me.

Not the version with the phone in my hand saying "yeah, cool" while looking at Slack.

What Actually Matters

I read about doing "hands-free time" with your kids. Just you and one kid. You put the phone somewhere else. You announce it.

Because they know. They've learned the phone is important to you. They've seen you choose it over them enough times.

Then you let them decide what to do. Dress-up? You dress up. Tea time? You're having tea.

That's what they'll remember.

Not me sitting there half-present saying "uh-huh" while checking if that PR got merged.

The Fear That Doesn't Make Sense

If I put my phone away from 6pm to 8pm, work would be fine.

I know this.

If there's a real emergency, they'll call. I'll handle it.

Most nights there's nothing urgent. Nothing that can't wait two hours.

But I still check. Still pick it up. Still let it pull my attention away from my kid who's right there.

The fear isn't real. But I act like it is anyway.

The Real Reason It's Hard

Work gives you dopamine.

Notifications. Problems solved. Visible impact. The feeling of being needed, productive, important.

Your toddler asking you to play blocks doesn't give you that hit.

It's quieter. Slower. No immediate reward. Just presence.

And being present is harder than being on your phone.

I think that's the real reason I keep choosing wrong. It's not about the work being important. It's about work being easier.

Easier to distract yourself with something that gives you a hit than to just be in the moment with your kid.

Someone Else's Baby

Every company is someone's baby. Their vision. Their thing they're building.

And when you work there, you help raise it. Give it your time and energy and attention.

I believe in daily.dev. I'm proud of what we're building. I want it to succeed.

But I have my own actual babies at home.

And they're not going to remember the features I shipped or the bugs I fixed for someone else's baby.

They're going to remember if I was there for mine.

Not "there but not there."

Actually there.

I'm Still Figuring This Out

I'm writing this down partly to motivate myself. To name the thing I'm doing wrong so maybe I'll actually change it.

But I'm still in the mess of it.

I still pick up my phone when I shouldn't. Still get defensive when my wife points it out. Still feel guilty about choosing wrong and then do it again the next day.

We have a newborn now too. Which means my toddler needs even more connection. More reassurance. More of me actually being present.

And I'm still on my phone.

I know what I should do. I know quality time matters more than Slack messages. I know my kids won't be toddlers forever.

I know all of this.

And I'm still failing at it.

What I'm Trying (But Not Nailing)

The iPhone restriction. Announcing phone-free time. Catching myself when I compare to worse examples.

It's not working great yet. I still mess it up. A lot.

But maybe writing it down helps. Maybe naming it makes it harder to ignore.

I don't have this figured out. I'm actively bad at it.

But I'm trying. Because my kid deserves better than half my attention.

They deserve me. Actually me.

The phone can wait. The company will be fine.

My kids won't be little forever.

I know that. Now I just need to act like it.

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Let's connect on LinkedIn - how do you actually put the phone down when your kid needs you?