The Day I Learned Why 1:1s Aren't Just Status Updates

Pull up a chair by the fire. This is a story about the moment everything clicked.

The Setup

Three years into my first management role, I thought I had 1:1s figured out. Every week, like clockwork, I'd sit down with each team member and run through the same agenda:

• How's your current sprint going?
• Any blockers I can help with?
• Questions about the upcoming release?

Efficient. Professional. Completely missing the point.

The Moment Everything Changed

Sarah had been on my team for eight months. Solid engineer, always delivered on time, never complained. In our 1:1s, she'd give me the updates I wanted and we'd wrap up in 15 minutes. I congratulated myself on having such a low-maintenance team member.

Then she put in her two weeks' notice.

I was blindsided. "But you never mentioned being unhappy," I said, probably sounding as confused as I felt.

Her response still echoes in my head: "You never asked."

What I Learned

That conversation taught me that 1:1s aren't status meetings—they're relationship meetings. They're not about the work; they're about the person doing the work.

Here's what I wish I'd known earlier:

1. Start with the Human

Instead of diving into project updates, I now start every 1:1 with: "How are you doing?" And then I actually listen to the answer. Not the polite "fine" answer, but the real one underneath.

2. Ask Better Questions

• What's energizing you right now?
• What's draining your energy?
• What would you like to be doing more of?
• What would you like to be doing less of?
• How can I better support you?

3. Make It Safe

The best 1:1s happen when people feel safe to be vulnerable. That means admitting when I don't know something, sharing my own struggles, and never, ever using what someone tells me against them.

The Framework That Actually Works

After years of iteration, here's my current 1:1 structure:

Check-in (5 minutes): How are you really doing? Growth (10 minutes): What are you learning? What do you want to learn? Challenges (10 minutes): What's frustrating you? How can I help? Recognition (5 minutes): What wins should we celebrate? Forward-looking (5 minutes): What are you excited about?

Notice what's missing? Status updates. Those belong in standups and Slack.

The Ripple Effect

When I shifted my approach, everything changed. Team members started bringing me problems before they became crises. They shared career aspirations I never knew they had. They told me when they were struggling with work-life balance, family issues, or imposter syndrome.

Most importantly, they stayed. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally engaged.

Your Turn

If you're a manager reading this, I challenge you to audit your last five 1:1s:

• How much time did you spend on status vs. the person?
• What did you learn about your team member as a human being?
• Did they leave feeling heard and supported?

If the answers make you uncomfortable, you're not alone. I've been there. The good news is that it's never too late to change course.

The Bottom Line

1:1s are your most powerful tool as a manager, but only if you use them right. They're not about getting information—they're about building relationships. They're not about efficiency—they're about effectiveness.

And sometimes, they're about preventing really good people from walking out the door because they never felt like you cared about them as more than a resource.

What's your 1:1 story? I'd love to hear it. Drop me a line—the cabin door is always open.